The Gathering

Feb 4, 2009

Today’s appointment with ENT (ears, nose, and throat) specialist in Indianapolis was very helpful. She specializes in the “T” so she has a lot of experience with vocal cord injuries. She took plenty of time understanding my history and looking through photographs of my vocal cords taken as far back as 2005. I was so thankful that she seemed willing to get a full understanding of my situation before offering her opinion as to the cause and prognosis for my particular situation.

Her two immediate reactions after talking through my history and photos were: 1. She does not think my hemorrhage is healing as quickly as it “should”. 2. She wonders why I have had the same area of thickening (pre-nodule) on both cords since college. (This area was one that I figured I was destined to keep forever because it had been there for so long!)

She then stuck a camera up my nose, down the back of my throat and took a look at my vocal cords. Yeah, it’s about as fun as it sounds! The good news is that the hemorrhage has healed significantly since the last set of pictures were taken a week ago.

Her conclusion is that I have been afflicted for a long time with what is called Laryngopharyngeal reflux or “silent reflux”. The basic deal with LPR that makes it different than normal GERD is that it happens more frequently per day (50-75 times per day is in normal range) and the symptoms are usually vocal in nature, such as horse speaking voice, vocal fatigue after speaking or singing, throat clearing, and feeling like there is a lump in your throat. She suspects that my LPR has been made even more severe because I have been an avid diet coke fan! The unfortunate part is that these symptoms are often confused by strenuous voice users (like myself) as ‘normal’. There are no typical GERD symptoms so even many doctors are not likely to know LPR is the root of the fatigue and injury presentations.

Really, this is good news. It explains why even after 10 days of total voice rest, my cords were not healing as quickly as a person unaffected by LPR. It explains why my pre-nodules have stubbornly sat on my vocal cords for almost 10 years. It explains why I have always seemed more susceptible to vocal fatigue and injury than other singers. I have often wondered “what’s wrong with me” and “what am I doing that is different than they are doing?”. So, now I have a pretty convincing answer and a way to treat the root of all these frustrations.

First, I start a heavy dose of reflux medication twice a day. Because LPR happens several times an hour, the medication has to be taken twice per day rather than once. After four months, we should be able to see drastic improvement in my overall vocal health and stamina. If we don’t, then we go back to the drawing board, but the Dr. is very confident this is the right way to go.

Also, I have some traumatic dietary restrictions…no carbonation, caffeine, fried food, or chocolate! It’s really just my diet coke and m&ms I will miss most of all! For any of you who like to mother me, she did say that “occasional” consumption of these foods was ok!

I am allowed to start talking and singing as long as I am not experiencing any raspy or fatigue symptoms. Just like a runner who is getting back on the track, I need to take it slow and listen to my body. When I get fatigued I need to rest my vocal cords for a couple of hours.

I think I am most excited about the possibility of experiencing vocal health like I have literally NEVER had before. I am so grateful for answers to years of questions and for the long term healing that is taking place from this day forward.

Thank you again for praying for my patience and for my kids. Thanks for your nice text messages, cards, emails, and other non-verbal communications. I really appreciate the amazing support and friendships I have in this life.

This is probably the last of the updating I need to do. I plan to lead worship again starting Feb 22nd, so I have 2 more weeks to work my way back into a singing routine.

This is a letter I sent the editor at the Muncie Star Press. I’m not sure if it will end up in print, but I wanted to share it with you. In my oppinion, we at thegathering are understanding the power of what God can do through each one of us becoming all he created us to be……

To the editor,

This week I had the unique experience of attending two very special and inspiring events.

On Tuesday, I attended the Star Press PERSON OF THE YEAR celebration where 10 individuals were recognized for incredible contribution to our community. Each nominee had gone above and beyond in their service to the Muncie area and each had enormous heart for this, their hometown. The winner, Donna Bookout, was honored for more than 40 years of volunteerism and service in the Muncie area. Even while fighting breast cancer, she never stopped volunteering and serving us, her neighbors.
On Friday, I was honored to attend the grand opening of the South Tower of Ball Memorial Hospital. Again, standing in a crowd of people who had helped make this dream a reality, I was struck by the extreme level of commitment and heart given, not for oneself, but for the greater good of our city. The words rang over and over, “Muncie deserves the best”. As works of art made by local artists were unveiled and honors awarded to local leaders and volunteers, I could not help but feel empowered.
Before my very eyes were enormous and beautiful displays of proof that one person can make an important and lasting impact. If I have ever doubted the power of “just one” it surely has been diminished by these evidences. Just one volunteer can touch hundreds of families. Just one artist can bring beauty and meaning to a lobby. Just one ambitious dreamer can give people keys to a home, a fairy-tale prom dress, a hot meal, a friend. Just one.
I am just one. You are just one. But I am sure that we can have impact on this place we call home. If we would dare to stop sitting, if we are brave enough to believe, and if we are strong enough to stand against many who would rather complain, than we will make a difference and our home will be better because of it.
There are some who are choosing to move outside of the Muncie-area. They have the blessing of good jobs here, but they do not see the beauty and possibility in this place. I hope that those who are already adding to the beauty of our hometown will continue to do so, even when it’s lonely, frustrating, and just plain hard work. I hope that the rest of us will follow in your example.
I am just one. I am proud to call Muncie home. I am ready to lend a hand, help a neighbor, donate food, give of my time, talent, and money to make Muncie all God knows it can be. Please join me.

Your friend and neighbor,

Jennifer Stanley

Update from Jan 28, 2009

I had more photos taken of my vocal cords this morning and the news is good. My left vocal cord is healing. We saw definite improvement in the size and color of the hemorrhage. This means that my voice rest is working. Unfortunately, that is really all we can know for right now. I am to remain on strict vocal rest until I see a specialist next Wednesday in Indianapolis. (That goodness the specialist happens to be in the Clarian Network!) The only exception is talking to my children a few times per day. This will be good for my kids and will also prevent atrophy in the vocal cord ligaments. I am thankful for the proof that we are moving in the right direction. I really appreciate your prayers. I will update you again next Wednesday after seeing the specialist.

Jennifer

I do.  Here is one of my experiences:

Father-

What just happened?

Feeling the need to pray for those who are serving tonight, I went to where they were meeting. [O.K. to be honest I felt the need to pray for their protection for some reason.]

When I came back through the sanctuary, I stopped.  I felt that tingling sensation which only comes when I feel your presence or my discernment spikes.

I prayed for a while…

Asked you what you were trying to teach me…

I put my hands out in front of me and I felt as if my hands were squeezing a tree! [My forearms are sore almost 15 minutes later.]  Finally, my hands clasped together.  I felt as if I could not pull them a part.

I kneeled at the altar in confession.  I confessed while shaking at my core.

I dry heaved after each thought or cry to You.  As if I was retching these things out of me.

Then my hands realesed as I let go a deep breath.

What are you trying to teach me?

Last Sunday, January 18, at the end of the 9:00 worship experience, I felt something strange happen in my vocal cords and immediately had no singing voice and very little ability to talk. David did an amazing job stepping in as worship leader for the 11:00 worship (Which many of you probably thought was planned). I spent the hour behind the curtain praying and knowing something was very wrong.

First thing Monday morning I went to have pictures and video taken of my vocal cords and we discovered a hemorrhage on my left vocal cord. In short, this means a blood vessel burst and is bleeding beneath the tissue of the vocal cord. This is a serious vocal cord injury but treatable with time, patience, and resolve.

For the next 10 days I am on complete vocal rest which means absolutely no talking, coughing, or clearing my throat. After that I will have more pictures taken and we will make a plan for beginning to use my voice again. The doctor has estimated a 4-6 week recovery period. We do not know why this happened. There are many theories and suggestions but none fit my situation very well. I was not doing anything out of the ordinary, so it leaves us all quite confused.

As you can imagine, I am experiencing a very wide range of emotion. Everyone needs a way to communicate and not having that in my daily life is tough, especially on my children. As a singer, I am feeling a bit lost and lonely without my instrument. The silence is sometimes deafening even when I’m around people and noise.

Worship at gathering will not change much. David and our wonderful band will continue to worship with you. We will invite our friend Sarah Scharbrough back to worship with us. Joshua and I will continue to put as much care and thought into designing the worship experience as we always do, I will just not be able to play the same role for a few weeks.

I will keep you posted on this blog if there is any new information. For now, I would appreciate your prayers for a quick recovery and the grace to get through the necessary process.

Oh yes, and there is one more thing you can do for me in worship….sing extra loud, OK?

Confession:  I have avoided the blog.

I am not a blogger by nature.  I must have some strange complex that causes me to fear putting my thoughts ‘out there’ and not having a way to rescue them or take them back if someone decides they don’t like what I say or that I’m boring or whatever…. But then I remember how I fell in love.

Dec 5, 1997 I found myself sitting next to the most interesting guy at a Colts game.  I knew pretty close to nothing about football and even less about the Colts at that time so most of my attention was focused on the person to my right.  The night and game wore on.  I learned a few things I didn’t remember by the time I got to my car.  Intermission…oops I mean Halftime…was good because there was singing and dancing.  I wondered aloud about how many rehearsals…oops I mean practices…the team had before the next performance…oops I mean game.  You see, I am not wired a sports fan, but it was this night of sports that introduced me to him.   At the end of the night I was so sure he would want to talk to me again, but he did not ask me for my phone number.  Actually, he did not ask me for any form of contact information.  He merely asked if I had a computer in my dorm.  “Uh, yeah” I responded trying to hide my disappointment of spending an entire evening focused on a guy who was clueless to my brilliance and singleness.

The next morning I used my dial-up internet to check email.  I used to let it dial while I took a shower and then by the time I was out, my email was pretty close to ready to read!  And there he was.  NO…not there he was in my room when I got out of the shower!  There he was in email form.  The modern day courting process had begun.  (modern for 1997 anyway.)

We wrote.  We read.  We commented.  We blogged in a sense.  We knew very little about one another and so our thoughts ran freely on a bazillion subjects.  We had debates about whether pizza king or greek’s was the better Muncie pizza.  He shared his sweet and funny experiences of weekly meals with his aging grandfather.  I discussed my hope for direction after graduation and my fear of failing in the big world of professional music.  Our written conversations were thought-provoking, funny, insightful, maddening at times, and full of discovery.  By the time our first face to face date happened, we knew more about the deep places of the soul than most couples do after years of casual dating and movie-going.  I think you know the rest of the story.  We got married, had 2 kids, and still do a lot of emailing, texting, and writing to eachother in the midst of busy days!

So my point here is that there is a point.  Thinking, writing, processing, and sharing is the art of the blog and it brings people togther.  We don’t have to agree here.  We need only participate.  It’s still scary to put our thoughts out.  It’s still risky.  But we will come to know each other in meaningful, funny, and spiritual ways.

Lesson Learned: I will stop avoiding the blog.  Will you join our conversation?

Lately I’ve been reflecting on how I often expect to receive love in a certain manner. As I’ve been thinking about this, I’ve come to the realization that I have been missing a lot of people expressions of love and appreciation to me.

Let me give you some examples….

1) I know that I am a very prideful and a somewhat independent person. I don’t like to have people do things for me. It’s as simple as my wife has just cooked a meal and she asks me if she can fill my plate and I have a hard time letting her. There isn’t a real reason that I don’t want her to fill my plate. I just feel I should do it. This sounds silly but I’ve began to wonder if I’m squelching my wife’s desire to show love to me through a simple act of kindness. I think I might.

2) My daughter, Ruth, is at that playful age where sometimes she wants to be cuddly and sometimes she doesn’t. As a dad, it can sometimes just make my heart sink when I pick her up and ask her for a hug and kiss and she throws a fit and reaches for mommy. My expectations of how I wanted to experience her love were just shot down. What I forget is that I just interrupted her play and she wants to get back to it. I also seem to forget how when I walked in the door from work about a hour ago, she stopped what she was doing ran over to me and wanted me to pick her up and hold her.

3) My son, Malachi, at 4 isn’t talking yet. I long for the day that I hear him say, “Daddy, I love you.” I have to be careful because sometimes I get so caught up in longing for that expression of love that I forget to recognize the times that he climbs up in my lap, gives me a big hug, looks me straight in the eye, and then gives me a kiss.

All this to say, I miss my own wife and kids trying to let me know how much they love me all the time because I’m looking for it in a different form. I wonder how many others (friends, family, and even God) try to show how much they care about me but I miss it because my eyes are too tunnel visioned. Somehow, my heart and mind need to be opened a little wider to recognize the way people love and appreciate me even when it doesn’t look like I expect it to.

I realize that God created each of us differently with different needs on how we experience love the best. I know I experience love the most through words of affirmation and gifts; however, I miss a lot if I only value and recognize the love that comes my way in these forms.

So I’ve been thinking about this story of the paralytic since Joshua spoke on it Sunday.  I find it to be interesting because I wonder how I would have reacted.  In fact I can’t help but think that I would have been a little upset when I came to be healed and Jesus forgives my sin.  It’s like when you ask for something that you want for Christmas and your mom buys you what she thinks you need instead.  Oh thanks, underwear.  I mean really.  Wouldn’t you be a little upset? 

Why would Jesus forgive the man’s sin?  The more I’ve thought about it the more I can’t help but think that it’s because of meaning.  Jesus came to bring meaning.  He brought meaning to everything he did.  He took a regular meal and packed it full of meaning.  He took a simple story and filled it with meaning.  He wanted people to see meaning and purpose in what seemed mundane.  When Jesus forgives the mans sin he adds meaning to his life.  

Sin is what seperates us from God.  Sin is what feeds us hell when we need the kingdom.  Seperation leads us to wanting the mundane instead of the extrordinary.  When Jesus came he brought the Kingdom with him.  Jesus says to seek first the kingdom and all else will be added.  When Jesus forgave the mans sin he gave him a new perspecitve on meaning.  The man could now see heaven.  Hope was restored.  Everything now could just be added.  Jesus wanted to overflow heaven on earth so it could fill the hell.

I guess it comes down to your idea of redemption.  What adds meaning?  Healing or restoring?  Would there be meaning in the mans healing?  I don’t know.  But I do know that meaning was restored through the forgiving of his sins.