Recently, something that I’ve always known about myself has become one of my biggest struggles. For as long as I can remember, I’ve know that I’ve struggled with being somewhat of a control freak. I often struggle with asking for help because I want the control of getting things done so that I know they are done the way I like it. However, over the last several years I’ve felt like all the control that I’ve found comfort in has been stripped from me. Life has proven to be nothing but out of my control. As some of you know, my son, Malachi, has had his fair share of obstacles. At a month old, his intestine twisted causing him to lose almost all of it. To make a long story short, this lead to a liver and small bowel transplant when he was just over a year old. That was over two years ago and I find myself still making comments like, “When we get to this point things will get better and I’ll be able to breath.” This just hasn’t been the case. When things are going well with Malachi, my daughter decides to be born 7 weeks early. She winds up being fine after a rocky start. Now coming up on 3 years post transplant and one year after the birth of my daughter, I still find myself throwing my fists up in the air angry and begging God to let things be normal. Normal…meaning– letting me have some control over something again.
For a minute I thought I had some control. We discovered Malachi had a lot of fluid on his inner ear. This could be part of the problem as to why Malachi isn’t talking yet. I was excited. Finally, there is something fixable that could help me be able to hear my kid say, “I love you daddy.” It was nice to feel in control and be able to make a simple decision. The surgery is over. Things went well and now I find myself back in a situation of things beyond my control. I now must simply wait. Wait to see if things work out and Malachi is able to hear better. Again I can’t control this. I can control how I love and care for my son. I can control how I work with him, but I can’t make him talk. I can’t make him understand. This for me is frustrating.
As we started the series on restoration last week, I’ve really been in prayer about restoration in my own life. I’ve been asking God to show me things that need restored in my life. I’ve come to the conclusion that one thing that needs restored in me is the ability to cope with the “out of control.” I think the most difficult part of when things are out of control is feeling you are alone. When I’m able to control things in my life, I have a sense that everything is ok and I feel I can handle everything. However, when things are out of my control there is a battle between feeling worthless because you are overwhelmed and desperate desire for someone to come along side you.
I think as I’m praying for restoration in my life, I’m praying specifically for God to restore me back to my youth when I had no choice but to live with the support of those around me. As a kid there is so much that you don’t have control over. For instance, you didn’t have to worry about how you are going to put food on the table. You just showed up and it was there. Unfortunately, you didn’t have control over whether kids liked you at school or not, but hopefully you had a family, teacher, or church who was able to be a source of strength and comfort for you. I’m not asking for God to put me in a place of total dependence on others as a child sometimes is, but I’m asking for God to restore me to a place where I allow people in my life help me discover who I am, cope with life, and impact those around me through sharing ideas and working together. If I’m lucky I might be able to enjoy heaven on earth a little more because it will be easier to see the Kingdom with the community around me rather helping to carry move the pile of dirt that gets dumped on me.
That is my prayer. Will it be easy? No. Will I figure it all out in a one month series? Maybe, but probably not. I’ve spent a lifetime being a control freak and I’ve had some big piles of dirt dumped on me the last several years. Things may not be restored over night, but hopefully over time healing will continue to occur and my restoration prayer will be answered. That being said, what is rising to the top in your hearts as you think about restoration?
